Thursday, 23 September 2010

Robin Williams on Bush and Obama

Cleese introduction: Thank you, thank you. Now, before I go on, I just want to thank you all so much for making the effort to be here tonight when you could have been at home, enjoying yourselves. It's the kind of self-sacrifice that makes this country the greatest country in the British Isles.

Now, where are we...

Oh, yes. our next act is someone I've actually heard of. An old friend of mine. Star of Good Morning Vietnam, The Dead Poet Society and Mrs Doubtfire.

A big hand, please, for Mr. William Robin. Oh I'm sorry. Robbie Williams. Mr Robbie Williams.

RW: Thank you. Chuck, Cam, great to see you. Yo, yo, what's up Wales, house of Windsor, keeping it real.

Obama, yeah. Yes indeed. Yeah. The dream came true. Great God almighty the dream came true. Obama bobama-bosama. Obama, yeah!

Barack which means blessing. Hussein, don't ask. Obama which is an old Kenyan word for Kennedy, God bless us!

A lot of Irish people are going "He's black, Irish as in O'Bama"

But he's an eloquent, eloquent man. I know at the inauguration people are hoping maybe he kicks it up a notch going: What's up Washington? Yo yo yo let's keep it real right now. I'm gonna bring out the members of my political party, my cabinet, right now. This is Little Ray-Ray. This is G-man, Kanye, Kobe and Colin Powell, who's bad to the bone. We're going down Pennsylvania Avenue with the top down. We're gonna build a basketball court in the Rose garden.

But we do have to take a moment of silence and bid a fond farewell to George W. Bush. Yes, it's the end of the reign of George II. The reign of error is over. America is officially out of rehab. Welcome it. We've come back.

He's a gift to comedy, though, he's a comedy piƱata, I'm gonna miss him. A man who said, "I'm the decider!" No, sir, you're the president, you make decisions. The cider is what they sell in the little jugs.

A lot of people -- he also said, "I am misunderestimated." And they went, "No, not really."

And you think what is he... I have to think: what is he gonna do, after he leaves office? No, he cannot go on a speaking tour, that's a given!

But I do think he could do stand-up comedy, because he has eight years of amazing material. He has stuff, and here are some of W's greatest hits:
1. The question that's never asked... is our children learning?
2. I just found out that a lot of our imports come from other countries.
3. America, a country where you can put food on your family.
4. Our enemies are looking for terrible ways to destroy this country, and so are we.


And you have to have a little sympathy, though. W comes from a family where the smart brother is named Jeb. So you have to kinda... Take a moment, just a little moment...

And you can't blame the economy on him. They say the economy is essentially sound because people are considering buying things. That's like saying fat people are healthy because they might exercise. I said "No", we need help, we went to the world.

I like the fact that the American government went all around the world, and the French were going, "I feel so bad for you, huh." [imitating French accent]

They say, "Who has 750 billion dollars they can spare?" And I'm going, "The only people in the world are the Saudis, the Saudis."

"Can you spare seven hun..."

"I will give you 750 billion dollars. All I want is a picture of Angelina Jolie. And Louis Walsh." I changed that reference for England, thank God that worked. Thank you.

But it was the economy, the whole thing, and the whole debate. Basically it was... we had Obama, fresh prince, McCain, Uncle Fester on the Addam's family.

And the debates were so amazing... the first debate, two people speaking in complete sentences after eight years of 'W' -- I was going, "Thank you God."

I was beginning to think our electoral process was like the special Olympics of politics, it was like "No!"

The second debate, McCain started to get a little like: "Hm-hm, haaa! That one!"

And then the third debate, oh wow! McCain was just like: "g@=°#"~&!"

He starts to look like your uncle who's on a new drug and he hasn't got the dosage right. And you find him wandering around the mall going: "I've got a plan! I know where Osama is."

"Tell us!"

"I'm not gonna tell you yet. Where's the plumber? Where's Joe? Where's the plumber?"

"Get in the car, uncle John. Get in the car."

But it was pretty wild, that whole concept. What is he doing there? It was like... where, where did they get Sarah Palin? Where did they find her? Wow!

Did Ronald Reagan have a kid with Posh spice? I don't know. It's like she... it's like she came from some sort of reality show. 'Project Running Mate'. Here she comes... Here comes Sarah. Her hobbies are breast-feeding and helicopter hunting. She can skin a moose and balance a budget. Come on down. With that "shucks" and all kinds of... oh my gosh, that "shucks" -- polar bears are not endangered, they're just unlucky. Come on.

It was pretty amazing, too. The last few days of the election she let her hair down, she took her glasses off and, I thought the last day she'd just be like: Phooom! Check it out. How do you like my northern slopes, now, boys?

Drill, baby. Drill! Drill!

You'd think Bill Clinton was sitting at home the whole time going: "Where was she when I was in office? Damn!"

What's up?

And Bill has some bad luck. He found the only Jewish girl who couldn't get a stain out. That is so sad.

But the whole thing is... American politics... are always crazy. I live in California. We're a 60% Hispanic State; we have an Austrian governor. Even old Nazis are going: "That's weird. That is not right."

And Arnold could be president, if it wasn't for that tiny clause: if you're not born in America you can't run for president. Arnold, the little immigrant boy who had a dream and a vial of anabolic steroids. And he lives with... and married to Maria Shriver who's a Kennedy, who's getting smaller, and smaller: I believe he's living off of her. I believe he's sucking the Kennedy out of her slowly but surely. And that's why he's become a modern Republican. It's like a Volvo with a gun rack, you don't see a lot of them.

But... I was thinking... maybe there's one person… and I wanna get a guy out there running. You know when Sarah and... Who can we get to run and have the whole world go, "Wow!" And that guy, would be Jack Nicholson. Yeah, baby. He's got cooler movies than Arnold. "You can't handle the truth!"

We'd never have a sex scandal with Jack. He's done everybody. "I had Angelina Jolie, and afterwards she adopted me."

And we'd never have a drug scandal. Jack has done every drug known to mankind. He's the only guy in the world that Keith Richards would go: "I have to go home, now, Jack."

But... I'll leave you right now because some people say that I look like Bono, and I'd have to say, "Stop drinking."

And recently Bono was on stage in Scotland, and it was very quiet, like right now. And he started clapping his hands, and he clapped his hands, and he said, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

And from the back of the Scottish audience someone went: "Then stop clapping your hands!"

Good night. Thank you so much.

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